Technology Briefs

Women who remained chained to the domestic machine in spite of years of liberation may like the following technological breakthroughs in the new field of “linen hygiene”. Both relate to techniques forcing their male partners into great rigour in their washing cycle - literally. These inventions encourage men to be more careful about submitting their dirty cloths to the laundry.

Researchers say these inventions aren’t specifically targeted at men, but studies have shown that they are by far the greatest offenders. Men are about 3 times more likely to have a bogeyed hanky in their pockets. 76% of men studied carried excessively soiled items of nasal linen, with a SDR (Snot Density Ratio) greater than the WHO recommended limits of 1,000ppm.

To combat this practice researchers embedded Snot Detection Factors into the material of the hanky. SDF turn an unsightly green when the SDR levels are high enough, hopefully prompting the owner to deposit the item into the laundry basket.

“This tends to encourage all but the most hardened hanky keepers”, researchers said. But they also commented that preliminary studies show there remains a hard core of (mostly men) who will keep their hanky no matter what. “We believe there are men out there who would hang on to their hankies, even if it look like a six-week old squashed cane toad”, they added.

Meanwhile another research group has come up with a more intrusive device for sniffing out those with lax laundry habits. The device can be retro-fitted to airport passenger screening systems to detect passengers wearing underpants that need washing. Officially these are known has Passenger Hygiene Protectors (PHP), but colloquially they have become known as “GrungyDax”.

Airport officials dislike the GrungyDax label, insisting the PHP is there to “enhance passenger comfort and hygiene”. One source who declined to be named said “Really, this is for everyone’s benefit. I mean, imagine sitting next to someone on a flight to Hong Kong, and they haven’t changed their jocks for three weeks”.

Feminists have attacked both these inventions, seeing it as another male-oriented high-tech approach to dumping more washing on women. Getting the green-tinted “snot-rags” out of their pockets is one thing, but is it going to make them turn on the washing machine? Time will tell.

(note that some or all of the preceding story may be invented)

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